Malaysian Bidets
I’m currently in transit in Kuala Lumpa airport, on the way to London.
I just had a rather traumatic experience involving the Malaysian version of a bidet, and don’t have an outlet to express my emotions as my phone isn’t working. So, I’ll blog about it instead.
It’s actually an extendible hose that sits next to the toilet bowl. As I considered myself rather inexperienced in Malaysian-extensible-bidet-use, thought I’d give it a go. I’m always willing to give new things a try.
I’m a germ-o-phobe. As I reached for the extensible bidet black hose, my thoughts immediately imagined thousands of unwashed grotty man-hands fondling this hose.
I picked it up gingerly with two fingers, lowered it beneath me, and turned the hose on.
There should we warning signs on the back of every toilet door in Malaysia.
These bad-boy bidets should be rolled out next time there are bushfires in Victoria. It’s completely unnecessary for a bidet to be as powerful as a Super Soaker 3000 XD. Bums weren’t invented to stand that kind of abuse.
Not only will I be farting out spurts of clear water every hour for the next 13 hours to London, but I also managed to squirt water all down my trousers and jeans.
To make it worse, my jeans around my ankles had soaked up all the shitty-pissy-water that had accumulated on the toilet floor.
Not happy Jan. I can hear my boarding call now…
Nicknames
Numerous nicknames abound throughout the extended circle of people I know.
From variations of actual names: Davo, Kenno, Robbo, Rossco, Moose, Gazza…
To nicknames that appear to have no justification behind them:
Penny-Trayshun, Hands, Damage, Britney, Feltcher, Psycho Jimmi, Water-Dreams, Scrubber …
From nicknames with multiple syllables:
Wolfgang-Puck-The-19th-Best-Chef-in-the-World (seriously, that’s how he introduces himself to women)…
To monosyllabic names that could be potentially offensive: Coon…
From nicknames derived from personality traits of that person: Poof, Pommy Tom, Kiwi-Pete, Easy, Cuddles…
To nicknames derived from physical characteristics: Skin-Footies, Midget, Fatboy, Shilpa, Billy Idol, Penis, Greg Da Pedo…
Of all the above people, only Greg Da Pedo (Greg) has consistently resisted adaptation of the nickname, despite my persistence over the last 3 years.
He has never been happy about the name, which of course encouraged the name to stick. When we worked together, I was even tempted at one point to introduce him to new clients as ‘Greg Da Pedo’.
The story about how this nickname came about is as follows. A few years ago, our company had a client that held a competition to find the “grizzliest man” in Britain. Users had to submit their most macho picture of themselves and a short description as to why they are Britain’s grizzliest man. The winner received a fridge full of meat.
Greg’s entry description was this: “I should win this competition because I have both extreme intelligence and a muscular physique. “
He submitted this photo. I AM NOT KIDDING.
ACTUAL PHOTO
When I saw his submission, the immediate dialogue that followed between us went something like this. (When imagining this conversation, remember that Greg has a well educated, upper-class English accent)
Jeffro “Are you fucking serious, THAT’S the picture you’re submitting?”
Greg “Yes”
Jeffro “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Greg “Jeffrey, I really do not understand why you find this picture so amusing”
Jeffro “Mate…in this picture you look like… a sex offender! You resemble a cross between a Boys2Men member and a young Gary-Glitter!”
Greg “I most certainly do not”
Jeffro “You do! It’s bloody hilarious! Ooh stay away from me, I don’t want to be associated with a criminal! You look like either a rapist or a pedophile. So do you like tweens or teens?”
Greg “I find this all a bunch of nonsense. You can be rather immature sometimes”
Jeffro “HAHAHA!!!! I bet you like them immature!!”
Greg “That’s not funny”
Jeffro “Do you know how you always wanted an Australian nickname? Well your nickname can be called Greg The Pedophile!”
Greg “Do not call me that name”
Jeffro “What’s wrong with Greg The Pedophile? It’s an awesome name! You could shorten it to Greg Da Pedo, or even GDP! Yeah!! GDP is IN DA HOUSE!!”
Greg “I really do not appreciate being called a pedophile. It’s insulting and degrading”
Jeffro “Is it seriously bothering you?”
Greg “Yes, how would you like to be called Jeffro Da Pedo?”
Jeffro “I’d actually think it’d be really cool. OK if it really bothers you, I’ll give you two options. You can be called Greg Da Pedo or…..Greg Da Rapist. They both have a nice ring to them”
Greg “I honestly prefer neither of those names”
Jeffro “Too bad, it’s GDP. It even has lyrical potential: ‘They call me GDP – I’m a badass dude. I need small kiddies more than I need food.‘”
Greg “I hate that”
Jeffro “HEY EVERYBODY, COME AND CHECK OUT GREG’S COMPETITION SUBMISSION!!!”
And from that day on, the name stuck.
Things That All Men Find Funny
There are some things in life that all men find funny regardless of their race or social status.
1. A blow to the testicles. It’s a fact that all men will laugh at the misfortune of another man when a cricket ball hits him in his bloke-berries (call it whatever… the nut butter tank, the hanging meatballs, the salty protein grapes, the chin pounders etc). It’s even better when caught on camera and submitted to Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.
I’ve experienced this on a personal level many times. Throughout my life my man-marbles have been subjected to numerous poundings including hits from rugby balls, tuna cans, pub fights, tree branches, the head of Robbo’s guitar and a hard whack from the mid-pole of my bike when the seat fell off last year whilst doing 40km/h on Bondi Road.
2. Diarrhea. Face it, it’s funny. In fact the subject of “spray-can poo” dominates approximately 60% of any conversation my mate Ceps initiates. He has stories to beat the best of my stories, and believe me I have a lot of experience. Today I had a day-procedure at hospital to test for colon cancer. I’ll write about this traumatising experience in another post, but I’ll stay on topic for now. The point is, I’ve been shitting through a straw for the past 48 hours as I had to consume a vile drink that tasted of dish-washing water mixed with children’s snot, brussel sprouts and sugar. Why is it that all medicines contain obscene amounts of sugar in an attempt to mask the horrid taste? It’s similar to putting a dinner dress on a fat, ugly whore – it’ll be a bad experience either way.
Anyway, the demon-drink caused sudden explosive diarrhea approximately every hour in an effort to clean out my guts prior to the procedure. Consequently, my arse is now as sore as a Thai Lady-boy’s during an economic boom period. But the point is it was funny even for me; I was giggling like a Chinese schoolgirl in a Hello Kitty store whenever I had to run to the toilet. This was despite my desperate attempts to squeeze my butt cheeks together using nothing but mind-control. My girlfriend also thought it was funny, until the stench carried from the bathroom to the lounge-room where she was was trying to sew. I loved watching her head suddenly turn sharply to the right as she got whacked by the poo bat.
3. Watching English backpackers being rescued at Bondi Beach. OK so I’m not a sick weirdo that enjoys observing our tea-drinking cousins actually drowning. In fact, the death rate of Brits dying from over consumption of Bondi sea-water is actually non-existent thanks to our totally awesome life-savers who are volunteering their time I must add. I simply mean it is rather funny watching them struggling in the water – shiny, pale and over-weight. In fact, they often resemble albino baby-seals learning how to paddle. 200 years ago, the Australian Aborigines also probably thought this was humorous, and potentially paved the way for our obsession with others misfortune:
Aboriginal 1: Oi bro, check out the white-fella drowning. Should we save him bro?
Aboriginal2: Nah bro, leave him. Lets re-enact his drowning at “Australia’s Funniest Home Corroborree”.
4. Playing practical jokes on your passed out friend. Every man has done/had it done: from painting ‘Chelsea Smiles’ on his face, to sticking stiff orange vegetables in warm orifices, to shaving off every piece of body-hair he has.
TIP: Plan your bucks/stag night at least one week before the wedding
I believe that practical jokes on drunk friends truly do transcend all cultures:
Japan: “Let us see if Hiroshi wakes up if we rub wasabi on his pee-hole”
America: “Hey man, why the fuck do I have a safety pin through my nipple?”
India: “We will dip a condom in tandoori sauce and put it down Kumar’s underpants”
Australia: “AH CRAP AH CRAP I PISSED MYSELF!!! Oh wait, dammit Kenno did you pour warm water on my crotch again?!”
10 things Clare Werbeloff should do with her new fame (aka The Chk Chk Boom Bogan)
She’s known as the Chk Chk Boom girl, Clare Werbeloff is the new pretty face of Boganism in Australia.
Werbeloff shot to international media attention with her colourful (i.e. Boganist) account of a shooting in Kings Cross on prime time news. Watch this for the interview:
This week, her quotes have donned mugs and tee-shirts, and have been the subject of water-cooler conversation in every office in the country. She’s even hired a publicist to deal with her new found fame. Perhaps her publicist could advise her to do the following to capitalise on the media attention while it lasts:
1. Release her own brand of perfume called “L’odeur de la Bogan”
2. Open a restaurant specialising in her speciality dish: The Werberloff Stroganoff
3. Be a regular advice-dispensing columnist in the Daily Telegraph. Call the column “The Werbsta Speaks”
4. Sell her toenails on Ebay. Ensure the bid ends soon as her 15 minute of fame is running out.
5. Make a sex tape. Scream “THIS IS FULLY SICK!” as she comes. But, of course we all know she’ll be faking.
6. Be the face of the Australian Firearm’s Association. Tattoos, long hair and westie-English. Just like most of the members.
7. Record a single and accompanying video clip with her wearing nothing but one of her tee shirts. Not the first time someone with a pretty face that can’t sing has made a single.
8. Go on Rove to promote her single. Call Rove a “fat wog” on the show.
9. Go on Celebrity Big Brother to promote her Rove appearance. You don’t have to be that famous to appear on the show. Face it, every celebrity from the fat kid on Hey Dad to the prime minister’s former-florist has made an appearance.
10. Set up FollowTheBogan.com. Support this with a Twitter page and a Facebook fan site.
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