10 Benefits of Being Asian
1. We don’t need much sunscreen. My fairer mates get burnt standing in front of the microwave….even when it’s not turned on. I just become a nice consistent brown colour in the sun. Saving money on sunscreen allows me to play more games of Dance Dance Revolution at Timezone.
2. We have very minimal body hair, both men and women. I literally have 12 chest hairs which I’ve named after Santa’s reindeer. It’s taken me 31 years for Dasher to proudly take centre stage. I’m very proud of her (they’re all female).
This means I don’t spend money on razor blades. I use these saved funds each month to treat myself to a night at a Karaoke bar.
3. Society expects us to be genetically disadvantaged with our penis-length. Yes, the stereotype of tiny-wieners is a huge benefit for those that are well endowed because it completely lowers all expectations prior to trouser-removal. In fact I’ve always told women that not only do I have a small penis, but I last 30 seconds, don’t like cuddling, have bad breath, snore loudly and usually have diarrhoea after a big night out.
4. The typical Asian upbringing is actually really positive. Yes, I played the piano well, was good at maths and had tutoring at school. But this just meant I got a good degree, climbing the corporate ladder, play in rock bands, have travelled the world and can cook good stir fries. The jocks at school are now all working in “retail” (I shouldn’t be too hard because one guy made it to evening shift supervisor at Dunkin Donuts), still live at home, and holiday at boutique caravan parks that are accessible by Greyhound buses.
5. We rarely put on weight. I usually eat as much as a family of bogans with a Sizzler Groupon. However, I’m as skinny as a heroin-rockstar and have the asshole of a seven year old girl.
6. We always look young. My theory is that Asians always look 10 years younger throughout their lives until they reach a point around 70 which I call the Maximum Age of Oriental Benefit. After MAOB, the faces loses all hydration, resembling a dried mackerel with a white wig. I intend to die from symptoms of excess-hedonism well before then.
7. Having poor eyesight means you can wear fashionable designer frames. Unfortunately most Asians in Australia still wear the cheapest 2-4-1 rims from Budget Eyewear.
8. We have really strong, thick hair. Did you know that Asian hair is often used to make wigs? So next time you pick up a King-Neptune wig (I actually have one), you’re probably wearing the hair of one of my ancestors. Please treat it with utmost respect; hair in Asian culture is revered almost as much as one’s Hello Kitty collection.
Strong hair means it’s easy to spike. Those that know me will recall that I have 2 inch spiky hair. For the Asians reading this that don’t know how big 2 inches is, think about what you normally hold in your hand at night.
However, a lot of my countrymen don’t take advantage of spikes, and instead choose a popular cut known as The-Bowl. Except for this guy below…he’s a rapist in Melbourne and inconveniently is Asian with my exact spiky hair. Thanks mate, but rape’s not funny….even if it’s done by a clown.
9. We don’t have body odour. On a hot day, my hairier male friends can smell very bad. One fellow who’s ethnicity is of the race that invented clever techniques to construct large pyramid shaped structures in the middle of fucking nowhere, smells worse than the inside of a bus departing from the Australian Garlic Appreciation Food Festival.
10. We’re less likely to be involved in a sporting accident, coz let’s face it…we suck at sport so generally don’t play. I’m so uncoordinated I can’t brush my teeth without poking myself in the eye. All my money saved on sporting gear has gone into paying for driving lessons.
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