Great movies ruined by irrelevant and distracting love stories

May 15, 2012 at 10:46 pm Leave a comment

Think about all the great movies that would’ve been vastly improved without a soppy-tear-jerker-I-need-a-Kleenex-love-story thrown in to please the females in the audience. Most movies can do without a meeting of the eyes across a ballroom, or the emotional tension as the hero characters fall in love in between battling elves, orcs and vertically-challenged hairy folk.

Perhaps it’s a tried and tested formula that producers believe needs to be included to be commercially successful, similar to Today Tonight always including a story blaming all of Australia’s problems on immigrants.

I can’t get a job? Immigrants.

The land values in Blacktown are expensive now? Immigrants.

My neighbour has 28 cats? Immigrants.

Dodgy real-estate agents? Immigrants.

My daughter had a $500 phone bill last month? Immigrants.

I have lung cancer? Immigrants.

I spent all my money on the pokies at Wenty Leagues and now nobody will help me with my gambling problem despite this obviously not being my fault? The Labour Party.

Sorry, back to my story: blokes want to see 4 things in a movie – guns, explosions, big machines and Angelina Jolie. If the addition of a sex scene is really that necessary to win an Oscar, include it in the first scene, blow the love-making couple up with an AK-47 and then get on with the fucking movie.

Some movies that would’ve been better without a love story include:

Pearl Harbour…this would have been more enjoyable if the director just focused on the bits we wanted to see – the bombs, guns and explosions. A love story involving the heroine and two guys should only have been included if it resulted in a three-way.

The Castlea classic Australian movie unfortunately tainted by the unrealistic newly wed love story between Con and Trace. In reality, bogan brides 2 months into their marriage wouldn’t be cavorting around Bonnydoon but would most likely be in the labour ward of a public hospital.

Titanic….an informative documentary totally ruined by a love story taking centre stage. To get my fix of big machinery I’ve since succumbed to watching Mighty Structures.

Ice Age 2….the sexual tension between Sid the female woolly mammoth and the two possums detracted from the core theme of the movie; the central character’s desire for self-actualisation by fore-warning society of the detrimental ecological impacts of climate change. Reflect upon the physical logistics of the scenario between the woolly mammoth and the possums; what were the perverted producers thinking anyway?

Romeo and Juliet…..don’t even get me started on this. This film was supposed to be about bikie gangs right?

In the wild, a sexual partnership between a woolly mammoth and 2 possums is statistically unlikely

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