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Malaysian Bidets

July 9, 2009 at 11:14 am Leave a comment

I’m currently in transit in Kuala Lumpa airport, on the way to London.

I just had a rather traumatic experience involving the Malaysian version of a bidet, and don’t have an outlet to express my emotions as my phone isn’t working. So, I’ll blog about it instead.

It’s actually an extendible hose that sits next to the toilet bowl. As I considered myself rather inexperienced in Malaysian-extensible-bidet-use, thought I’d give it a go. I’m always willing to give new things a try.

I’m a germ-o-phobe. As I reached for the extensible bidet black hose, my thoughts immediately imagined thousands of unwashed grotty man-hands fondling this hose.

I picked it up gingerly with two fingers, lowered it beneath me, and turned the hose on.

There should we warning signs on the back of every toilet door in Malaysia.

These bad-boy bidets should be rolled out next time there are bushfires in Victoria. It’s completely unnecessary for a bidet to be as powerful as a Super Soaker 3000 XD. Bums weren’t invented to stand that kind of abuse.

Not only will I be farting out spurts of clear water every hour for the next 13 hours to London, but I also managed to squirt water all down my trousers and jeans.

To make it worse, my jeans around my ankles had soaked up all the shitty-pissy-water that had accumulated on the toilet floor.

Not happy Jan. I can hear my boarding call now…

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