Things That All Men Find Funny
There are some things in life that all men find funny regardless of their race or social status.
1. A blow to the testicles. It’s a fact that all men will laugh at the misfortune of another man when a cricket ball hits him in his bloke-berries (call it whatever… the nut butter tank, the hanging meatballs, the salty protein grapes, the chin pounders etc). It’s even better when caught on camera and submitted to Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.
I’ve experienced this on a personal level many times. Throughout my life my man-marbles have been subjected to numerous poundings including hits from rugby balls, tuna cans, pub fights, tree branches, the head of Robbo’s guitar and a hard whack from the mid-pole of my bike when the seat fell off last year whilst doing 40km/h on Bondi Road.
2. Diarrhea. Face it, it’s funny. In fact the subject of “spray-can poo” dominates approximately 60% of any conversation my mate Ceps initiates. He has stories to beat the best of my stories, and believe me I have a lot of experience. Today I had a day-procedure at hospital to test for colon cancer. I’ll write about this traumatising experience in another post, but I’ll stay on topic for now. The point is, I’ve been shitting through a straw for the past 48 hours as I had to consume a vile drink that tasted of dish-washing water mixed with children’s snot, brussel sprouts and sugar. Why is it that all medicines contain obscene amounts of sugar in an attempt to mask the horrid taste? It’s similar to putting a dinner dress on a fat, ugly whore – it’ll be a bad experience either way.
Anyway, the demon-drink caused sudden explosive diarrhea approximately every hour in an effort to clean out my guts prior to the procedure. Consequently, my arse is now as sore as a Thai Lady-boy’s during an economic boom period. But the point is it was funny even for me; I was giggling like a Chinese schoolgirl in a Hello Kitty store whenever I had to run to the toilet. This was despite my desperate attempts to squeeze my butt cheeks together using nothing but mind-control. My girlfriend also thought it was funny, until the stench carried from the bathroom to the lounge-room where she was was trying to sew. I loved watching her head suddenly turn sharply to the right as she got whacked by the poo bat.
3. Watching English backpackers being rescued at Bondi Beach. OK so I’m not a sick weirdo that enjoys observing our tea-drinking cousins actually drowning. In fact, the death rate of Brits dying from over consumption of Bondi sea-water is actually non-existent thanks to our totally awesome life-savers who are volunteering their time I must add. I simply mean it is rather funny watching them struggling in the water – shiny, pale and over-weight. In fact, they often resemble albino baby-seals learning how to paddle. 200 years ago, the Australian Aborigines also probably thought this was humorous, and potentially paved the way for our obsession with others misfortune:
Aboriginal 1: Oi bro, check out the white-fella drowning. Should we save him bro?
Aboriginal2: Nah bro, leave him. Lets re-enact his drowning at “Australia’s Funniest Home Corroborree”.
4. Playing practical jokes on your passed out friend. Every man has done/had it done: from painting ‘Chelsea Smiles’ on his face, to sticking stiff orange vegetables in warm orifices, to shaving off every piece of body-hair he has.
I believe that practical jokes on drunk friends truly do transcend all cultures:
Japan: “Let us see if Hiroshi wakes up if we rub wasabi on his pee-hole”
America: “Hey man, why the fuck do I have a safety pin through my nipple?”
India: “We will dip a condom in tandoori sauce and put it down Kumar’s underpants”
Australia: “AH CRAP AH CRAP I PISSED MYSELF!!! Oh wait, dammit Kenno did you pour warm water on my crotch again?!”