The 6 Pint Trigger Mark

June 2, 2009 at 10:09 pm 7 comments

I’ve always thought that I can hold my alcohol as well as my mates. This is quite a feat considering the majority of my friends are athletic alpha-male types that started growing chest hair when they were 10 and had a deeper voice than Stallone when they were 11. Me on the other hand, am still waiting for that chest-hair growth spurt (I currently have less than 7) and have always been considerably leaner than my mates. Kenno can pick me up with one hand and sling me over his shoulder whilst tickling my chin with his other hand – that’s his favourite pub trick.

My mates and I have a common trait whenever we’re out drinking. At the start of an evening, conversation will be rather normal, even intellectual at times. We’d typically discuss our travel exploits, who’d win in an arm wrestle between Gordon and Barack, the impact climate change will have on beer-prices and if black leather jackets on men would ever be considered heterosexual.

However, we all seem to have a trigger point around the 6 pint mark, at which our behaviour almost certainly changes with predictable results.

Kenno – after the 6 pint trigger point will generally substitute the word ‘cunt’ for any pronoun or name. Additionally, the word ‘fucking’ would be inserted in his sentence structure, usually immediately before any noun.

  • One pint Kenno: “Jeffrey, can I enquire as to whether you would like me to purchase another beer for you”.
  • Six pint Kenno: “Oi Jeffro cunt, do you want another fucking beer you cunt?”

Within our circle of friends, this is completely fine and expected. However, Kenno and I often visit different countries, where ‘cunt’ may be somewhat more offensive than in Australia. For instance, in Poland ‘cunt’ is a well known brand of shoe polish. Kenno often makes matters worse by calling complete strangers ‘cunts’, including barmen, nearby punters, cab drivers, over-weight prostitutes and midnight kebab-store vendors.

Moose – after the 6th pint will be completely nude by the 7th, guaranteed. It’s almost worth preparing your phone for ‘video-mode’ around the 6th pint for blackmail potential if Moose ever becomes a prominent figure in society. We filmed this when we were drinking in a hotel bar in the mountains of Slovakia. A group of Polish tourists had just arrived at the hotel and were assembling in the foyer to listen to their tour-guide explain how to cope with potential situations in the woods, in particular amorous male bears that mistake backpack-toting Polish tourists for prime female bears. At this particular moment, a loud “WHOOOAA WHOOOAA” could be heard from the direction of the hotel bar. A moment later, a completely naked Moose was running straight for the crowd, who quickly separated for him faster than the Red-Sea did for Moses. Moose ran completely outside and back in again back through the path of people to the hotel bar. We were politely asked to leave.

The tendency to nude-up after 6 pints could possibly be genetically linked. I went out drinking once with his brother, and ended up in a strip club in Kings Cross. It was the type of club that served $27 beers and expected to keep the change from a $100 note. In the cab back to Bondi, I passed out in the backseat in a drunken slumber. I remember waking up only a few minutes later when Moose’s brother said to the cabbie “pull over just here, I really need to do something”. When the cabbie pulled over, he jumped out of the car, pulled his pants completely off and ran about 20m down the middle of the street yelling at the top of his voice “I’M FREE!! I’M FREE!!”. He then jumped back into the car and explained “It was something I had to do, drive on cabbie.”

There’s still Midget, Ceps, Ranga and Damage to go – I’ll expand on their trigger point traits later.

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7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. James  |  June 2, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Surely Kennos anal gas levels increasing is yet another part of the 6 pint trigger. That and the worlds loudest snore.

    Reply
  • 2. jeffro81  |  June 3, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    James, I remember very clearly when Kenno and I stayed at your house after a night on the piss. Your mum in a very refined, educated accent: “oh dear lord…JAMES WHERE ARE YOU!!! There seems to be a large, naked man passed out on my white sofa. HE IS USING MY NEW SILK CUSHIONS AS A PILLOW!!!!”

    Reply
  • 3. Kenno  |  June 4, 2009 at 12:47 am

    What the fuck are you cunts talking about, fuck you cunts I’m gunna get another fucken beer ya cunts,

    Kenno (cunt)

    Reply
  • 4. Cepo  |  June 4, 2009 at 2:26 am

    cunt is a standard suffix to any sentence.

    Reply
  • 5. Some bloke  |  June 5, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Geez that Moose sounds like a good bloke!

    Reply
  • 6. Midgwa  |  June 6, 2009 at 12:00 am

    Jeffro don’t forget you’ll have to add the post-married 6 pint trigger mark for Kenno. I think this will be a pretty good insight.

    One pint carrot juice Kenno: “Jeffrey, can I enquire as to whether you would like me to purchase a pint of carrot juice for you”.

    Six pint carrot juice Kenno: “Jeffrey, doesn’t it just deplore you to sit around watching all these beer guzzling, meat eating, sexist, womanising men in this bar? Perhaps we should leave, I know a great vegetarian place where they have the best organic tofu and falafel burgers with the best salads and even better they always show programs on the tv about equal rights for woman and all races all and how animals should be treated with care and dignity and not as a food source for the barbaric men in this god foresaken place. I’ll go start up the kombi now.”

    Reply
  • 7. jeffro81  |  June 6, 2009 at 2:33 am

    Midget you should teach “Shit-Stirring 101″

    Reply

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