The 6 Pint Trigger Mark
I’ve always thought that I can hold my alcohol as well as my mates. This is quite a feat considering the majority of my friends are athletic alpha-male types that started growing chest hair when they were 10 and had a deeper voice than Stallone when they were 11. Me on the other hand, am still waiting for that chest-hair growth spurt (I currently have less than 7) and have always been considerably leaner than my mates. Kenno can pick me up with one hand and sling me over his shoulder whilst tickling my chin with his other hand – that’s his favourite pub trick.
My mates and I have a common trait whenever we’re out drinking. At the start of an evening, conversation will be rather normal, even intellectual at times. We’d typically discuss our travel exploits, who’d win in an arm wrestle between Gordon and Barack, the impact climate change will have on beer-prices and if black leather jackets on men would ever be considered heterosexual.
However, we all seem to have a trigger point around the 6 pint mark, at which our behaviour almost certainly changes with predictable results.
Kenno – after the 6 pint trigger point will generally substitute the word ‘cunt’ for any pronoun or name. Additionally, the word ‘fucking’ would be inserted in his sentence structure, usually immediately before any noun.
- One pint Kenno: “Jeffrey, can I enquire as to whether you would like me to purchase another beer for you”.
- Six pint Kenno: “Oi Jeffro cunt, do you want another fucking beer you cunt?”
Within our circle of friends, this is completely fine and expected. However, Kenno and I often visit different countries, where ‘cunt’ may be somewhat more offensive than in Australia. For instance, in Poland ‘cunt’ is a well known brand of shoe polish. Kenno often makes matters worse by calling complete strangers ‘cunts’, including barmen, nearby punters, cab drivers, over-weight prostitutes and midnight kebab-store vendors.
Moose – after the 6th pint will be completely nude by the 7th, guaranteed. It’s almost worth preparing your phone for ‘video-mode’ around the 6th pint for blackmail potential if Moose ever becomes a prominent figure in society. We filmed this when we were drinking in a hotel bar in the mountains of Slovakia. A group of Polish tourists had just arrived at the hotel and were assembling in the foyer to listen to their tour-guide explain how to cope with potential situations in the woods, in particular amorous male bears that mistake backpack-toting Polish tourists for prime female bears. At this particular moment, a loud “WHOOOAA WHOOOAA” could be heard from the direction of the hotel bar. A moment later, a completely naked Moose was running straight for the crowd, who quickly separated for him faster than the Red-Sea did for Moses. Moose ran completely outside and back in again back through the path of people to the hotel bar. We were politely asked to leave.
The tendency to nude-up after 6 pints could possibly be genetically linked. I went out drinking once with his brother, and ended up in a strip club in Kings Cross. It was the type of club that served $27 beers and expected to keep the change from a $100 note. In the cab back to Bondi, I passed out in the backseat in a drunken slumber. I remember waking up only a few minutes later when Moose’s brother said to the cabbie “pull over just here, I really need to do something”. When the cabbie pulled over, he jumped out of the car, pulled his pants completely off and ran about 20m down the middle of the street yelling at the top of his voice “I’M FREE!! I’M FREE!!”. He then jumped back into the car and explained “It was something I had to do, drive on cabbie.”
There’s still Midget, Ceps, Ranga and Damage to go – I’ll expand on their trigger point traits later.