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How To Be Emo

May 20, 2009 at 9:22 pm 4 comments

These days, emos are the latest subculture to hit the mainstream. But with so many ‘o’ lifestyles (wino’s, hobo’s, derro’s and weirdo’s to name a few), choosing the right one for you is often a mind-boggling experience. Read the below 10 step emo-guide to help declutter a potentially confusing life-choice and see if being emo is right for you.

1. Dye your hair black. OK, so this is the obvious one but it goes without saying that you can’t be a blonde emo. You’ll look as out of place in the emo community as a fat redhead in a Korean yoga class.

2. Never smile. Even if you score that promotion at work, or manage to complete the final level of Dungeons & Dragons with a faulty left-mouse button, you must look as happy as a paraplegic cat in a parrot sanctuary at all times.

3. Start writing poetry. A limerick or haiku is a good start; emos must be seen to express their emotions. Even better if it rhymes. Here’s a start: “Tears run down our emo faces, so we style our hair like Oasis”

4. Throw away your deodorant-stick. Emos, like their predecessor goth(o) cousins, are meant to offend at all levels, nasally included.

5. Don’t cut yourself despite the fact it’s the expected thing to do. Find healthier ways to vent your inner ‘emo’ such as bullying the foreign-exchange student at school to draw attention away from yourself.

6. Flop your dyed-black hair over your forehead and glue it down with emo-glue (emo street talk for hair-gel). It’s even better if you flop it over your eyes too, so you permanently have to flick it back with a jerk of the head like the special kid you remembered from Sunday school.

7. Pretend you like ‘emo’ music. As a general rule; if the band members dress emo then they must be emo. (editor’s note: all emos have since turned their back on Fall Out Boy because the singer started wearing a hat).

8. Change your name to a monosyllabic word such as ‘Thad’,  ‘Moo’ or “Merv”.

9. Become a vegan. Milk, cheese and toothpaste have emotions too you know man.

10. Memorise this checklist, close your browser window and delete your Internet history. Real emos will disown you if they found out you Googled emo how-to instructions.

Slick black hair and mascara, coupled with whiny emotional lyrics. Was Elvis the first emo?

Entry filed under: 1. Tags: Emos.