Great movies ruined by irrelevant and distracting love stories
Think about all the great movies that would’ve been vastly improved without a soppy-tear-jerker-I-need-a-Kleenex-love-story thrown in to please the females in the audience. Most movies can do without a meeting of the eyes across a ballroom, or the emotional tension as the hero characters fall in love in between battling elves, orcs and vertically-challenged hairy folk.
Perhaps it’s a tried and tested formula that producers believe needs to be included to be commercially successful, similar to Today Tonight always including a story blaming all of Australia’s problems on immigrants.
I can’t get a job? Immigrants.
The land values in Blacktown are expensive now? Immigrants.
My neighbour has 28 cats? Immigrants.
Dodgy real-estate agents? Immigrants.
My daughter had a $500 phone bill last month? Immigrants.
I have lung cancer? Immigrants.
I spent all my money on the pokies at Wenty Leagues and now nobody will help me with my gambling problem despite this obviously not being my fault? The Labour Party.
Sorry, back to my story: blokes want to see 4 things in a movie – guns, explosions, big machines and Angelina Jolie. If the addition of a sex scene is really that necessary to win an Oscar, include it in the first scene, blow the love-making couple up with an AK-47 and then get on with the fucking movie.
Some movies that would’ve been better without a love story include:
Pearl Harbour…this would have been more enjoyable if the director just focused on the bits we wanted to see – the bombs, guns and explosions. A love story involving the heroine and two guys should only have been included if it resulted in a three-way.
The Castle…a classic Australian movie unfortunately tainted by the unrealistic newly wed love story between Con and Trace. In reality, bogan brides 2 months into their marriage wouldn’t be cavorting around Bonnydoon but would most likely be in the labour ward of a public hospital.
Titanic….an informative documentary totally ruined by a love story taking centre stage. To get my fix of big machinery I’ve since succumbed to watching Mighty Structures.
Ice Age 2….the sexual tension between Sid the female woolly mammoth and the two possums detracted from the core theme of the movie; the central character’s desire for self-actualisation by fore-warning society of the detrimental ecological impacts of climate change. Reflect upon the physical logistics of the scenario between the woolly mammoth and the possums; what were the perverted producers thinking anyway?
Romeo and Juliet…..don’t even get me started on this. This film was supposed to be about bikie gangs right?
In the wild, a sexual partnership between a woolly mammoth and 2 possums is statistically unlikely
Shopping list combinations that will get you odd looks at the checkout
Preparation for Date Night
- 2 x bottles – Wolf Blass Shiraz Cabernet Sauvignon Red Label
- 1 x packet – Double Coated Chocolate Tim Tams
- 2 x packets – unscented tea light candles
- 1 x packet – Durex Fetherlite Ultra condoms
- 1 x HomeBrand size 14 green female school uniform
- 1 x wooden spoon
Terrorise This
- 1 x 10L red bucket
- 1 x 10KG bag – pool chlorine
- 1 x 500ML bottle – Castrol Brake Fluid
- 1 x 2L bottle – cloudy bathroom amonia
- 1 x ball of string
- 1 x packet – RedHead matches
Bachelor’s Shopping List
- 1 x box – McCain Ham & Pineapple frozen pizza
- 5 x tubes – Durex Play Sensations Lube
- 1 x packet – Chux Sensitive disposable rubber globes
- 2 x fresh continentel cucumbers
- 1 x checkered tea towel
- 1 x packet - Band-aid Plastic Strips Extra Wide
- 1 x fluffy pillow
- 1 x 24pk box – Panadol Pain Relief Caplets
- 5 x bottles – Wolf Blass Shiraz Cabernet Sauvignon Red Label
- 5 x packets – Mortein rat poison
- 1 x Best of Slipknot CD
- 2 x packets - Covergirl Lash Blast 24hr Black Mascara
- 1 x packet – Gillete Mach 3 razor blades
- 1 x packet – sewing needles, assorted sizes
- 1 x packet - Band-aid Plastic Strips Extra Wide
- 1 x packet - The Natural Confectionery Company assorted fruit pastels
- 10 x packets – Tally Ho rolling papers
- 2 x packets – RedHead matches
- 10 x 2L bottles – Coca Cola
- 23 x packets – Smiths Salt ‘n Vinegar chips 175g
- 1 x 24pk box – Panadol Pain Relief Caplets
- 1 x Australian Christian Dance Music Compilation Volume 3 CD
- 2 x boxes – Christmas fairy lights
- 5 x packets – fluorescent pens
- 2 x packets – disposable plastic cups
- 10 x bottles – Lambrusco non-alcoholic wine
- 1 x 440g packet – Kantong Hokkien Noodles
- 1 x bunch – fresh buk choi
- 1 x 250ML bottle – Soy Sauce
- 1 x 500ML bottle – Maggi Oyster Sauce
- 1 x 1.1KG can – Chum 3 Meats, So Chumpy You Can Carve It
This product is often a source of confusion in Chinatown Woolworths
5 acronyms to replace LOL
It’s official: LOL is now listed in the Oxford English Dictionary. To celebrate this historic moment in human educational development, I’ve listed 5 additional acronyms that should also be included.
SOL is an abbreviation for snotted-out-loud, the process of ejecting mucus from the nasal passage when caught by unexpected laughter. SOL is often experienced by couples on their first date.
PML, an abbreviation for pissed-myself-laughing, is the repeated inability to control urination during intense bouts of laughter. Use of the term has gained popularity among Irish backpackers and in retirement homes.
FOL-BEUSML, an acronym for farted-out-loud-but-ended-up-shitting-myself-laughing, is a condition of flatulence immediately followed by the forceful expulsion of diarrhea during laughter. FOL-BEUSML is most frequently enacted during the popular annual Indian Curry and Comedy festival. Although similar in pronunciation, the term shouldn’t be confused with the French word “fol bours ameli” which means ‘fuck off you tourist’.
PGOL, an abbreviation for polite-giggle-out-loud, is the act of politely making noises of appreciation when part of an audience of a comedian who struggle to inspire laughter. The term originated in comics lounges in Melbourne when aspiring comedians who failed to provoke laughter, only roused ‘sympathy giggles’. Today FGOL is often used at Peter Helliar stand up shows.
OMGFL is a term that describes the act of intellectually-challenged females yelling out “oh my god!” followed by 2-3 seconds of loud fake laughter. OMGFL is commonly undertaken when engaged in animated conversation with similarly challenged females. It is associated with tanorexia nervosa and is often accompanied by frequent stroking of one’s own hair. OMGFL is frequently employed in school-yards and the media and advertising industry. Psycho-graphic studies have shown that a typical OMGFL often suffers from severe delusions of being a resident of Orange County, even though the participant may actually reside in an Australian middle class suburb.
Cyclists that take cycling too seriously
In Sydney, if you cycled to work wearing Lycra shorts, you’d find yourself deliberately run over. Hell, you’d likely be run over just for cycling in the first place. Get a V8 you poof.
In Melbourne, cycling in Lycra is not just tolerated, it’s actually considered a healthy mode of transport by normal people.
Each morning, hordes of Cadel-wannabes don their ultra-short-shorts, ultra-skin-tight shirts (many with ‘sponsors’ printed), hop on a thin rubber platform wedged between their butt-cheeks, put on an air-restrictive ‘helmet’ and break into a sweat. Not that I’m implying anything…but…hmmm…
In Sydney, cyclists occupy the bottom rung on the motorist food chain, slightly lower than Asian-drivers. They’re an extreme rarity these days; most have died out due to respiratory problems or have been victims of road rage (I’m talking about cyclists here, not Asian drivers…but…hmmm…no comment).
In Melbourne, if you cross a cyclist, be prepared for a torrent of violent abuse. Although admittedly it’s rather difficult to take abuse seriously from someone dressed head to toe in Lycra wearing a crash-helmet with air-holes.
I have a theory on why cyclists are always so angry. They were the vertically-challenged guys at school. Combine that with extensive social problems resulting from being breast fed until 7. Now they’ve evolved into an angrier beast altogether – homo rageis cycliens. Even though they are still relatively few, their effect on motorists at large is significant. If Winston Churchill were alive today, he’d say “Never in the field of motorist conflict has so much anger been vented upon so many by so few“.
Many cyclists don't even give directions when asked
Shakespeare translated for bogans
The lady doth protest too much, methinks
Translation: I reckon that mole complains a lot
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Translation: Rommo where the bloody hell are ya?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun
Translation: I’m telling ya mate, this bird Julz is a 10
True is it that we have seen better days
Translation: We’re fucked
For the rain it raineth every day
Translation: It’s been pissing down all week
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Translation: You’re hot
He hath eaten me out of house and home
Translation: My boy’s 28, still at home and eats like an All Black. He’s gotta go
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!
Translation: My kid is a spoilt little shit and he’s doing by head in
A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.
A dish fit for the gods
Translation: Whaddaya call this love? Ice cream.
I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it
Translation: Castle Hill Tavern is bloody awesome
The miserable have no other medicine but only hope
Translation: So that’s why dole bludgers buy lotto tickets
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him
Translation: Oi fellas, don’t you reckon Tony Abbott’s a dickhead?
Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow
Translation: I’ll see ya tomorrow hey
For you and I are past our dancing days
Translation: It now takes me 3 days to get over a hangover
But love is blind, and lovers cannot see
Translation: I can’t understand what he sees in that mole
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is
Translation: What was that ranga bloke’s name again?
Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe?
Translation: Stop fucking with me
A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!
Translation: I’d love a beer right now
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Translation: What the hell kind of nickname is Wanga?
To be, or not to be: that is the question
Translation: What the fuck should I do?
The king’s name is a tower of strength
Translation: Wally Lewis is a living legend
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers
Translation: The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
Translation: I love ya, everything’s going to work out fine, I love everyone, this pill’s fucking awesome
Reading Shakespeare makes you cultured and shit
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